Med Changes... Again.

Welbutrin.   I can honestly say, I am not a fan.  So far, my side affects of this "anti-depressant" have included: crying, worthlessness, overwhelming thoughts, anxiety, frustration, bouts of confusion, hopelessness, .... I could go on.   Can we say "Epic FAIL?!?!?"  

So this "failure list" has been successful.  

"Failure List?"  I see some of your scratching your heads.  Let me explain.

In California, (... edited to make a long story short and to eliminate all the nasty things I really want to say, but won't...) they made cut backs, which included cuts to Medi-cal for those with disabilities. Understandable, but annoying (and other choice things I will again leave out.) Those with disabilities had to pick a secondary provider to cover some of the costs.  The provider I now have is Molina Health.  Molina is also doing major cut backs. (Again. Understandable.)  However, one of the  wonderful cuts included the one and only medicine that works best for my disorder. Cymbalta. Now, this does not mean they will NOT give it to me. It just means I have to try a laundry list of medications they think are "comparable" first.

So, in order to get the medicine I know works for me, I must try a shit load of meds and FAIL! I must put my health at RISK in order to get what I need.  To save them money.  Really?!?! And... would you believe, that my (non-Molina) doctor has that list typed up and in my file with a glaring title on the top that reads: "Medicine Failure List."  Not only that, but it has a note attached from Molina that says, "Cymbalta will be provided when all other medicines fail."  

WHEN ALL OTHERS FAIL!!

SERIOUSLY?!?!?

I have 3 kids.  Had these meds been too much of a failure, it could have cost them their mom!  Luckily, I have one hell of a support team around me. It could have been much worse.  These kids should not have had to see their mother go through hell and back so Molina could save a buck or two. Or am I wrong?  Honestly, I can NOT be the only one that sees the real epic fail in all this.

No matter.  I have "successfully failed" the last of the list.  Hopefully, this means the proper meds can now be made available to me and I can go back to being my normal awesome (albeit, weird) self soon. 

Namaste, Ya'll.

the crazy life continues...

After less than two weeks of roller coaster hell, the verdict is in and the Effexor is out. A week or more of mania might sound like fun, but it isn't. Or rather, the crash landing isn't. I just called to throw in the towel on this med and trust when I tell you, it wasn't an easy call to make. Right now, I fell defeated. I feel like no matter what I do, this demon will always be within me waiting for a weak moment to take me out. To remove me from my life and loved ones. Calling Drew was like admitting I was indeed broken.

i've been down for so long

Bad week. Been a slave to my bed and my kindle. Composed a few posts but struggle with editing. More specifically, cut and paste. Right and left click don't exsit on this thing!! But, I am alive. Comsidering my current mental drama, I am counting that as a success. Yes, it has been that bad.

Otherwise... I'm good! Or atleast, I will be. I will be.

More soon.

Hello Insomnia, My Old Friend

The Sounds of Insomnia

(to the tune of Simon and Garfunkel's Sounds of Silence)

Hello Insomnia, my old friend.
You come to hang with me again.

The Crazy Life

Life has been chaotic here as of late.  Lots of potential insomnia to go with it.  I know I should be here posting when that happens, but I keep hoping I'll just drift off on my own.  Ya.  Right.   Instead, I get involved in whatever the idiot box produces.   When I do give up, I'm not heading to the laptop, I'm heading to the medicine cabinet for a melatonin.  Why?  Guilt.  Guilt that I have been up too long already and if I stay up any longer, I will fail as a parent when Thing 1 wakes up coughing uncontrollably, Thing 2 attempts to wake up to use the bathroom and sleep walks, or the baby wakes up to nurse. 

WHY do I DO this to myself?!?   I need a break.  WE need a break!

My Therapist Says I'm Crazy. Well. Duh!!

Okay, he isn't really my therapist, he's more of a "counselor."  And, he didn't really say I was crazy.  But he implied it.  A few times.

I know it's been forever...

I admit I'm a suck ass blogger.  I warned you of this months ago.  I tried.  I really tried.  And then... life.

I hate it when life gets in the way of the things you really want to do.   I get jealous when I see others doing what they want to do and it IS their life.  No, seriously.  Like... they do it.  For a LIVING! 

I hate them.  

No I don't. 

I'm just bitter I guess.  I'm bitter that what I love in life does not mesh with who I love in my life.  My kids.  That or I just don't know how to balance both. 

That is exactly it.  I don't know HOW to be a supermom/bipolar crabby-bitch/go to gal on the block/crazy ass woman in charge woman that everyone (especially me) expects me to be. 

Maybe I'm just not organized enough.  Ya.  And then I'm all bipolar about it.  "No.  It has to be done this way. (hour later) Fuck it. I don't care anymore."  How am I supposed to stay on top of everything when my own mind is telling me to crawl in my bed and eat oreos because it would be easier?!?

This all came to a head in my head about a month ago. (ok, that came out wierd.)  I am taking on too much, but I love all I am doing.  I just can't stay on top of it all, all the time.  As a result of this "revolation," I let this blog go.  Not because I didn't love it or wanted to let it go off into the land of orphaned blogs.  No, just let it sit.  I love blogging.  I just haven't found my groove in the whole blogging world yet.  As you can see, I have tried several things... even organized them somewhat.  Just not sure where I'm going with all of it.  So, until I do.  I may not be here much. 

If you bear with me and you are still here when I find myself and drag me back kicking and screaming full force into the blogging world, you will be rewarded.  I will personally come to your house and cook you breakfast.  In bed.  With nothing on but a smile.

Wait.  NO ONE wants that.  Scratch that.  I'll find another way to reward my loyal friends and visitors for sticking with me.  But first... I must find me.  I just hope this doesn't end up like some Where's Waldo thing, because I sucked at those and I might as well stay lost forever.

I will be here off and on to rant or share bipolar brat news.  (mine. not the kid.)  If you leave a comment, it will show up in my box. ;0)

Much love to my loyals.  Much appreciation to my lurkers.

I hope to someday make this my life and not just a place where I tell you about it.

~ KidLit