After less than two weeks of roller coaster hell, the verdict is in and the Effexor is out. A week or more of mania might sound like fun, but it isn't. Or rather, the crash landing isn't. I just called to throw in the towel on this med and trust when I tell you, it wasn't an easy call to make. Right now, I fell defeated. I feel like no matter what I do, this demon will always be within me waiting for a weak moment to take me out. To remove me from my life and loved ones. Calling Drew was like admitting I was indeed broken.
Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts
Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts
Friday, April 6, 2012
Saturday, March 12, 2011
POST, YOU WANKER!!!
I got this blog set up because NORMALLY, I'm an endless windbag of chatty nonesense.
Not so much lately.
Maybe it's the lack of sleep? The baby? The other 2 kiddos in school? My recent consignment sale projects? (more on that later, I promise) Or maybe it's just the looming depression I've had lately? Who knows. Just haven't had the desire to type. That isn't normal. For me anyway. Normally, I am boggin' down my girlfriends on our Mom's Site blabberin' away about pretty much everything. But here lately, the blab-blin' brook has run dry.
It's been a month since my last post. Wow, that sounds like a confession. Forgive me reader for I have sinned. It has been a month since my last post. "Post two blogs, Tweet 5 times and all will be forgiven." I promise I will do better. Or atleast I'll try. Maybe I should sign up on some of those blog ring things. An actually audience that would hold me accountable and call me names might be just what I need to post more. Not a nice audience mind you. They would forgive. And I would feel fine flaking knowing I'd be foregiven. No, I need posts like "You Wanker!! Post Already!!" That I would respond to. Or atleast, I'd like to think I would. Altough, in reality, that would probably make me shut it all up and quit all together. Or maybe not.
What am I trying to say... no clue. I'm rambling. Sadly, it's what I do best.
Not so much lately.
Maybe it's the lack of sleep? The baby? The other 2 kiddos in school? My recent consignment sale projects? (more on that later, I promise) Or maybe it's just the looming depression I've had lately? Who knows. Just haven't had the desire to type. That isn't normal. For me anyway. Normally, I am boggin' down my girlfriends on our Mom's Site blabberin' away about pretty much everything. But here lately, the blab-blin' brook has run dry.
It's been a month since my last post. Wow, that sounds like a confession. Forgive me reader for I have sinned. It has been a month since my last post. "Post two blogs, Tweet 5 times and all will be forgiven." I promise I will do better. Or atleast I'll try. Maybe I should sign up on some of those blog ring things. An actually audience that would hold me accountable and call me names might be just what I need to post more. Not a nice audience mind you. They would forgive. And I would feel fine flaking knowing I'd be foregiven. No, I need posts like "You Wanker!! Post Already!!" That I would respond to. Or atleast, I'd like to think I would. Altough, in reality, that would probably make me shut it all up and quit all together. Or maybe not.
What am I trying to say... no clue. I'm rambling. Sadly, it's what I do best.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
I Was A Chicken
My last post Coming Out, was inspired by postings by Jenny the Bloggess ( a normally very funny, but sometimes very down to earth blogger) and a very moving video by another amazing blogger, Michael Kimber. I concentrated on Michael's plea to "Come Out" and help break the stigma behind mental illnesses, something I feel very strong about. This post, I feel the strong need to focus on the story behind Jenny's post. The story of yet another blogger named Lori. A courageous woman currently in the midst of what she calls her own personal nightmare come true: the aftermath of her husbands suicide.
I didn't dive into this in my last post, because I wanted to focus on the stigma. And, too be honest, I didn't even read Lori's posts until today. Too close to home. Didn't want to face what I could have done to my family had any of my attempts ever been successful. However, I had read in other posts about her blog; that it was real raw emotion. I even read that some had talked crap about her and put her down for posting them where others could see, including her kids. While I was sure I wouldn't side with the ignorant jerks who saw it best to kick her while she was down, I wasn't sure how the posts would make me feel about my personal crap, so I chose to stay away. Today, I felt compelled to read them. I'm glad I did.
Yes, her emotions are raw. Yes, her language is rough. Who's wouldn't be after such a traumatic loss? But the message, and the emotions surrounding it, are important! It's a message not often shared. And when shared, not nearly enough. Why should something like this be shared? You always hear that suicide is not the answer and all it does is make things worse. That statement, while true, is vague and not at all enough to stop someone from thinking that the world we be a better place if they weren't in it. The aftermath of suicide is ugly. An ugly some people need to know about in order to further dismiss it as a personal option. Lori's blog entries are raw and real. Posting them helps her cope with it all. It also helps others, like myself, fight our inner demons and realize what they are capable of doing. More importantly, her blog encourages those who feel like they are losing the battle to speak up, reach out and get help.
So please, if you have ever contemplated taking your life, read her blog. Put things into prospective. Mental illness is not something you can suffer through with out affecting others. Don't be foolish in thinking you can just "handle it". Even the strongest and wisest have battled with depression and lost. There is no shame in asking for help. It takes a very strong person to speak up. And in doing so, you won't be just saving your life. You'll be saving the lives of those you love and those who love you.
The Bloggess said in her post "Your friends and family want you…broken or not." I agree wholeheartedly. Damaged is far better than dead.
I didn't dive into this in my last post, because I wanted to focus on the stigma. And, too be honest, I didn't even read Lori's posts until today. Too close to home. Didn't want to face what I could have done to my family had any of my attempts ever been successful. However, I had read in other posts about her blog; that it was real raw emotion. I even read that some had talked crap about her and put her down for posting them where others could see, including her kids. While I was sure I wouldn't side with the ignorant jerks who saw it best to kick her while she was down, I wasn't sure how the posts would make me feel about my personal crap, so I chose to stay away. Today, I felt compelled to read them. I'm glad I did.
Yes, her emotions are raw. Yes, her language is rough. Who's wouldn't be after such a traumatic loss? But the message, and the emotions surrounding it, are important! It's a message not often shared. And when shared, not nearly enough. Why should something like this be shared? You always hear that suicide is not the answer and all it does is make things worse. That statement, while true, is vague and not at all enough to stop someone from thinking that the world we be a better place if they weren't in it. The aftermath of suicide is ugly. An ugly some people need to know about in order to further dismiss it as a personal option. Lori's blog entries are raw and real. Posting them helps her cope with it all. It also helps others, like myself, fight our inner demons and realize what they are capable of doing. More importantly, her blog encourages those who feel like they are losing the battle to speak up, reach out and get help.
So please, if you have ever contemplated taking your life, read her blog. Put things into prospective. Mental illness is not something you can suffer through with out affecting others. Don't be foolish in thinking you can just "handle it". Even the strongest and wisest have battled with depression and lost. There is no shame in asking for help. It takes a very strong person to speak up. And in doing so, you won't be just saving your life. You'll be saving the lives of those you love and those who love you.
The Bloggess said in her post "Your friends and family want you…broken or not." I agree wholeheartedly. Damaged is far better than dead.
You are not alone.
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